First Tear

I released the first tear in my eyes today while talking to a colleague in school. Actually the reason is not a personal matter. We have a common factor and that is we are both teachers in a same school.

I texted him and ask him if I can talk to him tomorrow before I will start my class regarding academic matter.

It had been my problem also last year when I had a hard time deciding if I will pass my three students who did not reached the passing rate. But then, at the end of the day, I decided, since it was my first year of teaching, I don’t want bad luck so I will just let these students pass.

This semester, I have less brilliant students than I had last year. I had fun teaching this semester because I have a huge class. Unlike before that I only have 25. But this semester is different.

I have a student who doesn’t respect me as a teacher. S/He posted a comment in my blog covering his identity in the name of “politics” and s/he called me “walang kwenta”. It was the worst word ever thrown to me, and by someone who doesn’t even have the guts to show his ass.

I also have students whom I dropped from my class because of not attending for 5 xs or more and for breaking promises.

There are also some who doesn’t trust everything I say, like some information about my subject. I also get some criticisms on the way I dress, my language (I don’t say bad words for the record), and my political belief.

Yesterday, I had an argument with one of my students. It was about their cancelled field trip that was supposedly scheduled on the day of my class. To cut the story short, since they already know that they are excuse from my class, they did not bother to just attend my class since the field trip was cancelled. They even scheduled an overnight swimming in replacement of the field trip. And so, they are still excuse?

It didn’t make me cry. It didn’t soften my heart towards teaching. I was just hurt to the thought of every yahoos I hear when I say, I will not be attending their class or when they are excuse from my class because of school activities, etc. It is different when I was in theater that I get yahoos for every great performance. It’s heart-warming. But this time, I was hurt.

Morning of today, I was checking some test papers of my students while at work. It was hard for me to see low scores of my students. Then I ask myself, how are they going to pass with this kind of scores? I asked myself if I’m ready to give a failing mark to those students who are not really going to pass my class. Then I texted my friend.

He explained the pros and cons of my decisions. Whether I will fail my students or not. Whether I will give chance to those who are in danger of not passing my subject. He said that it might reflect on me as their instructor. That whether we like it or not, we are just part of the curriculum and of no much importance than their major subjects. I was demoralized or should I say, I lost respect on teaching as a noble profession. I cried.

I cried for everything I love that I think is going wrong. And this one is new. I don’t know that I would be this affected. I released the first tear for this profession.

I have some realizations as the days of my teaching pass by. Example is that I’m still soft. I realized that my students are trying to soften my heart and I was caught. I heard some problems that I think are one of the reasons why they can’t study well. I had chats with students about their love life, family affairs, gimmicks, etc. And day by day, I am trapped to this professional employment.

I have no resolutions yet. I’m still cultivating. But one thing is for sure. So far, I still love my profession. And whether circumstances would hurt me, I would still continue to be part of this noble profession. Why? Because this is me. Hard/Soft.