First Tear

I released the first tear in my eyes today while talking to a colleague in school. Actually the reason is not a personal matter. We have a common factor and that is we are both teachers in a same school.

I texted him and ask him if I can talk to him tomorrow before I will start my class regarding academic matter.

It had been my problem also last year when I had a hard time deciding if I will pass my three students who did not reached the passing rate. But then, at the end of the day, I decided, since it was my first year of teaching, I don’t want bad luck so I will just let these students pass.

This semester, I have less brilliant students than I had last year. I had fun teaching this semester because I have a huge class. Unlike before that I only have 25. But this semester is different.

I have a student who doesn’t respect me as a teacher. S/He posted a comment in my blog covering his identity in the name of “politics” and s/he called me “walang kwenta”. It was the worst word ever thrown to me, and by someone who doesn’t even have the guts to show his ass.

I also have students whom I dropped from my class because of not attending for 5 xs or more and for breaking promises.

There are also some who doesn’t trust everything I say, like some information about my subject. I also get some criticisms on the way I dress, my language (I don’t say bad words for the record), and my political belief.

Yesterday, I had an argument with one of my students. It was about their cancelled field trip that was supposedly scheduled on the day of my class. To cut the story short, since they already know that they are excuse from my class, they did not bother to just attend my class since the field trip was cancelled. They even scheduled an overnight swimming in replacement of the field trip. And so, they are still excuse?

It didn’t make me cry. It didn’t soften my heart towards teaching. I was just hurt to the thought of every yahoos I hear when I say, I will not be attending their class or when they are excuse from my class because of school activities, etc. It is different when I was in theater that I get yahoos for every great performance. It’s heart-warming. But this time, I was hurt.

Morning of today, I was checking some test papers of my students while at work. It was hard for me to see low scores of my students. Then I ask myself, how are they going to pass with this kind of scores? I asked myself if I’m ready to give a failing mark to those students who are not really going to pass my class. Then I texted my friend.

He explained the pros and cons of my decisions. Whether I will fail my students or not. Whether I will give chance to those who are in danger of not passing my subject. He said that it might reflect on me as their instructor. That whether we like it or not, we are just part of the curriculum and of no much importance than their major subjects. I was demoralized or should I say, I lost respect on teaching as a noble profession. I cried.

I cried for everything I love that I think is going wrong. And this one is new. I don’t know that I would be this affected. I released the first tear for this profession.

I have some realizations as the days of my teaching pass by. Example is that I’m still soft. I realized that my students are trying to soften my heart and I was caught. I heard some problems that I think are one of the reasons why they can’t study well. I had chats with students about their love life, family affairs, gimmicks, etc. And day by day, I am trapped to this professional employment.

I have no resolutions yet. I’m still cultivating. But one thing is for sure. So far, I still love my profession. And whether circumstances would hurt me, I would still continue to be part of this noble profession. Why? Because this is me. Hard/Soft.

My BIT Students

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My Grown Up Christmas List

I don't know if my wishes for this coming Christmas are somewhat for grown-ups. But I find it odd to wish something that is not cheap for Christmas because people usually give gifts to many friends and it has to be inexpensive. However, these are the things that I want for Christmas, things that will make me happy. Although, material, these are important to me.

1. I want a new hair do, a Japanese hair do. Odd because I have big eyes. Hehe!
2. Sarah Geronimo: Your Christmas Girl Album
3. A Japanese bicycle (with basket in front, hehe!). To lessen my transportation expenses and at the some time, exercise.
4. A new mobile. (I already got this one! Happiness)
   
   
5. A worthy gift for Baby Ayen.
6. A new wardrobe cabinet for my growing clothing needs. (My mom is already complaining because she doesn't know where to put my dresses.)
7. A sofa bed with pull out bed.
8. Money, for Baby Ayen's Christening.
9. Gas range (4-burner with oven) for my Mom.


10. 
    
    If you can't afford any of this, anything that is red, green, yellow and white will do.

Thank you for taking time to read my wish list. I hope you can make my Christmas happy. Hehe! God bless your good heart... :)

Noblest Profession

Teaching..

They say it’s a noble profession... With all the hard work a teacher does like studying and working at the same time, preparing the lesson, making sure that all the things he/she will teach his/her students are correct. It is a crime when a teacher comes to his/her class not well-prepared.

I am fortunate to have experienced being a teacher. I took up Secondary Education major in Social Studies and passed the Licensure Examination for Teachers right after graduation. But after graduation, I didn’t pursue teaching due to financial conditions. I know teaching won’t give me enough to support my family. So I entered government service where I can have a bit higher salary than what a teacher gets.

Last year, I decided to teach. Not because I will be leaving my job in the Supreme Court but because I envy teachers who are very fond of sharing their knowledge and experiences to their students. Example is my brother, Jan, my gurlfriend Ate Daye, and my friend, Amiel. So I talked to my favorite professor who is now a Dean of the College of Social Sciences and Philosophy in Bulacan State University. Luckily, I was given a chance to teach Philippine Government and the 1987 Constitution to the 4th year Architecture students.

As I was on my journey of sharing my thoughts and knowledge to my students, there is always that fear of not meeting their expectations. I dressed up, never repeated my clothes and bags for the entire semester. I used three of the best books I have ever read as my reference materials. I prepared my own writing pens, white board markers and erasers solely intended for teaching. I tried to lessen my “katarayan or kasungitan” by giving jokes which I think never worked.

Also on my journey, I have to pass requirements as an instructor to my Dean, such as Daily Time Record, Personal Data Form, ATM account, etc. But I never followed my deadlines. Why? I’m not really interested with the salary that teaching gives. In fact, if I sum up the amount that I will get after the 1st semester, it won’t tally with the expenses I incurred for teaching such as test paper printing, answer sheets (I always bring yellow paper for my students), expenses in accomplishing the requirements (3 copies of NSO birth certificate amounting to 900php, NBI clearance, etc..), new dresses, shoes and bags, and my treat to my students after a bloody exam (pizza and drinks), not to mention the tax that I will pay for the fiscal year due to the increase in my tax bracket.

With the experiences I had with accomplishing all the things I need to accomplish just to have my salary, I am nearly disillusioned about believing that teaching is a noble profession. All I can say is that I am not interested. You can give me teaching loads even without a salary. I am not interested to become a member of the faculty but I just want to teach.

When I was in high school, I was the training officer of CAT-WAS I. I was given a chance to teach COCC trainees. During my college days, I became active in student politics which gave me the chance to teach the future leaders of our country by giving them seminars and trainings. I was also a student teacher in BSU laboratory high school. After graduation, I was still active in seminars and trainings given to student leaders all over the country.

I did all of this without salary. I did all of this because I love doing this. And that’s all that matters. If this is noble, I don’t care. I just want to teach. I love being a teacher.

It's My Papa's Birthday

My little Angel hugged my arms while we were watching a telenovela last night and whispered, "Mommy, it's Papa's birthday tomorrow. I can't be there." Her face a little sad of the thought that she can't be at her papa's celebration. Don't worry my darling little Angel, we will call your papa.

Stressed and Exhausted

At last, I already finished the transcript of the last Committee meeting I attended after two months. But now, my body’s aching, hands are numb with pins and needles in my fingers, my vision is blurry and still I have so many things to do. I have to send the minutes of our meeting to our secretary tomorrow so we can send it to members on Monday.

There are times that I can still feel the earphones locked in my ears. My fingers are like shaking terribly and uncontrollable. Even in my dreams, transcribing is haunting me.

Last Wednesday, at the shuttle bus on my way to the office, I was sleeping (I still have one and a half hour to do that) when I had a dream. I was cramming to finish my transcript because I have to attend to my class after 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, I immediately went to my class and disappointingly, I can’t remember anything to say to my students. I was getting mad because I am telling my students so many things not related to our lesson for that day. After my class, I was so upset and I just wanted to quit teaching. When I was about to cry, I was saved from that pathetic situation by a little kid sitting beside me at the bus with his tantrums. Fortunately, I was just dreaming.

Hmm.. I do not know if I'm just stressed with my work, or I'm just excited to see my students on Saturday. But now, I'm just so exhausted and stressed-out. I think I'm gonna be sick.

sa huli

"Sa bandang huli, mapapansin mo rin na ang pinakaimportanteng yugto ng libro ay mababasa sa huling pahina nito.
Malalaman mo na ang buhay ay hindi paghihiganti at pagpapanggap kundi pagpapahalaga sa bawat bagay at taong iyong nakakasalamuha.
Ang sikreto ng masayang buhay ay nasusukat sa kung paano matututunan patawarin ang mga taong nakapinsala sa'yo, habang ipinagsisigawan ang kagalakan tuwing makukuha mong maungusan ang tila walang katapusang hirap sa mundo."

Show it, Prove it

"Ang diwa ng pag-ibig ay hindi naibabatay sa kung ano ang relasyon mo sa isang tao, kundi kung ano ang ginagawa mo upang mapatunayan ang nararamdaman mo.
Ang tunay na pagmamahal ay ibinabahagi ng walang pag-aalinlangan maging sino, at kung saang lupalop ka pa nagmula.
Hindi din ito dahil sa sex o anumang uri ng aksyon upang mapaligaya ang sarili at masabing masaya ka habang kasama siya.
Mas lalong hindi ito binibigkas kahit pa sa pinakamalalim na terminolohiya, retorika at mabulaklak na pananalita.
Sa halip, ito ay ipanapakita at pinapakatotohanan."

First Week of School

Angel started her schooling in Barasaoian Memorial Elementary School as a kinder student. She was not really excited because the week prior to her first week of school, she was not interested of writing or reading. We always scare her by telling her that we will send her back to Pangasinan if she will not study. But she will always answer, "My siblings are not studying in Pangasinan. Why do you want to send me back?"

Anyway, on her second day in school, she got her first star because she answered her teacher in English. Affirming her gender, she said, "I am a girl." She had a perfect score in her coloring book on the third day, giving her her second star. She had her third star on the fourth day when she connected the dots properly.

Angel's first week of school is fun not only for Angel but also for me. Despite of spending money for her tuition and uniform and school supplies, I enjoyed dressing her up, covering her books and notebooks, and testing my patience with her question-filled stories every afternoon.

1111

It feels good not being committed into a relationship..
No crying moments..
No mind-bugging quarrels..
No partner to think about..
But it feels better when you have someone taking care of you, thinking about you, honestly, sweetly, faithfully and securely loving you..

I miss no one..
I just miss the feeling of being taken cared by a special someone..

--it's been one thousand one hundred eleven days since I lost my last relationship.